(....)

The reason why I start blogging is mainly because I feel that by blogging I will reduce the chances of committing suicide. I need to let it out somehow. And the chances of any of my family member will read about my blog, is at none. That the beauty of my blog. None of my family member will ever find out my blog. Blog to me is like my personal silent therapist. I just need to let it out. Today, on this very evening I once again encounter enormous stress. From my mother. I hate when she do things that I did not like. I argue to her about putting back bed into my room. I'm totally find without the bed. Just the triple layer of mattress for me is fine. But then, she took the action and by force placing the bed back into my room. I did not help my mother at all. frankly, I was piss. The only reason why she placing back the bed is because there is no space in the store and she do not want to put it back into her jahit-room. and my room is the perfect place to place the bed. I hate it. I like things much better when there was only mattress. Plus, this bed is an old bed. Back ahead when we was in teacher quarters. I felt like my life is pointless. I'm 19, and still being control by my mother. my decision will never be accepted. In the past, I did once discover that my second sister was ambitious to leave home. away from home. i found that in her old phone. passed down to me. I found it by accidentally. I did not read it in detail. but enough to know that she was meaning to leave home. I feel like crying blogging about this. I had once hurt my sister. and I not proud of it. from my personal view, my parents treat me differently. It is so stressful being the only son in this family. plus with the broken system of communicating with each other. If I could, I would cut my wrist off. But then, I will not go to heaven or hell. And Allah never forgive me. I realize that fact. I could never told my girlfriend about this matter. Its not that I dont trust her. I just want to her to know that I'm happy and there is nothing to worry about. That is much better for me. Any one in my family will never understand what I felt. Black sheep. that is who I am. in this family. If I could run away from home, I will do it. pointless if I keep staying home. Mom with nagging all the time and dad with communication problem. Maybe someday I will disappear. I hopefully, no one will ever search for me. I already used to be like treated like this. I am failure to this family. Especially when I'm the son of teachers.

(......)

People will never can understand me. Close will be my girlfriend, but not completely. My personal side will be easy to understand. But, whenever asking my family side. Things will be different. I always lie whenever people asked about my family (especially about my parent). The lie I'm talking about is the lie that mostly about my relationship with them. In this family, I will always feel like I'm not belong with them. Its like I an adopted son, but the catch is, I'm not. Not even once I felt that I'm lucky to be apart of this family. Somehow, I always have communication problem with my parents. Their styles of communicating with me never seems to be suit with me. My mother for example, never ask me in a good way for a favor. Some sort of high pitch voice always seems to be in the content. I hate when that happened. I will always remains wondering why me and my father never seems to get along. I remember back in high school, my teacher asked me to hug my father when I received the award form him. But, I never did it. As I grow up, I felt that family have nothing special meaning to me. If ask about family, I only be thinking about my sisters. They are the people that I please to talk with. Not my parents. I did try. And as I knew, it will never work. It sucks. Last night, we went out for dinner at Seven On Seven cafe, Matang Jaya. The place is beautiful. The table that we seated was for 6 people. I did know why that table was chosen. I sat lonely on my spot. Nobody beside me. If my elder sister were there, it will be her. The whole night, I just sat quietly. I have nothing to talk. I know I dont deserved to be in this family. I the only son that did not make my parents any proud. And i know that is a concrete fact. I will never add my father on my facebook. I have a lots of reasons. It will never happened. Facebook, so many times I have deactivated it. The only reason why it still active is my girlfriend. She 'force' me to active it. Hardly for me to say no. I will not argue with Allah decision of letting me see this world. I only never been happy in this family. Atmosphere of stress exists between me and my family. Sometimes, I thought of dying. And I think I'm ready. It just a pressure days in my life. I disappointed them. for sure. I wonder what it will be like if I'm far away from my family. For sure, it will hard for me to call them. What the things that I should talk to them? Things that I do, will never be enough to make them proud. I just a failure product. If I'm at gun point, maybe..I will let the bullet pass through my brain. I envy if my cousins and my girlfriend. Their relationship with their parents seems to be much better. I for surely, does not believe if other people said that "your parent do that, is because they love you". I will never believe in that shit. So far from reality to me. In my family, perfection surely is they key. And I will be struggling for the rest of my life. This is not my death note, but my confession of myself about my so-called family.

p/s: I always wonder what happen if, I enter a tv shows and then they ask my family about me. I somehow doubt that the things said will be true.

That's Why

I'm the only son in my family...out of four...and i'm also can be metaphor as the black sheep..this is proved by my parents which disappointed in my under achieving result...the never will be proud of me...even when i'm involved myself in photography, it just like wind past through...there was time that my friend invited me to be photographer for their annual dinner...and my parent reaction was...nothing...as expected...ever wonder why children always keep secrets from their parents? i got a lot of reasons...1st, there is always an angry tone voice of our parents...when we done something wrong...i think the saying parent is your closest friend should be reconsider...i would never believe in that crap of shit..2nd, parent always have higher expectation to their children...and the sad look of their face will always haunted their children..if i given a choice to die peacefully today, i will take it...cause it is better than i'm disappointing my parents...and my reason to not go back to home would be them..that's why i always consider being away from home...when the time is right...i will not even doubt to take it...sometimes, i wish i had born in another family...a family, that should and function like one...parents that understand their children, and talk to them frequently..and one we can consider to be our savior...i will always keep my secrets from my parents...there are no points of telling it..i always knew the outcome result...reactions with combination of yelling, mad, angry, and sarcastic...

Life..kiss and tell

have you ever felt like you just dont belong into your family? well i do...mom just keep on neg on me..and dad, we dont seems to talk..the way i see it, my family have communication problem..mom always talk...but, it is hard to tell to whom she telling...if she call by name...thats fine..but this is not how it normally goes..dad...i had nothing to blog really..our closed relationship end when i got into high school..after upsr..i guess my whole family was disappointed with me and the result..for me, Malaysians education is sucks...simply boring...i the math...but anything beside it seems to be bored me...nothing to be interested..lame..lame..lame..lame..the one thing i hate is, surviving the look of our parent when we disappointed them..for me, i really hate those moment..it make me think like i just dont belong to them...i bet, mom doesnt know my favorites..only if it the obvious..sometimes i wished to have family that really like one..parent that understand their child/children...for me, my only hope to build that family..one day...when i can now decide to settle down..for the present, i'm just being son. good or bad? its up to them..i have nothing to say..and if i do, i cant say it. it again my religion. and i'm obeying it.