(......)

People will never can understand me. Close will be my girlfriend, but not completely. My personal side will be easy to understand. But, whenever asking my family side. Things will be different. I always lie whenever people asked about my family (especially about my parent). The lie I'm talking about is the lie that mostly about my relationship with them. In this family, I will always feel like I'm not belong with them. Its like I an adopted son, but the catch is, I'm not. Not even once I felt that I'm lucky to be apart of this family. Somehow, I always have communication problem with my parents. Their styles of communicating with me never seems to be suit with me. My mother for example, never ask me in a good way for a favor. Some sort of high pitch voice always seems to be in the content. I hate when that happened. I will always remains wondering why me and my father never seems to get along. I remember back in high school, my teacher asked me to hug my father when I received the award form him. But, I never did it. As I grow up, I felt that family have nothing special meaning to me. If ask about family, I only be thinking about my sisters. They are the people that I please to talk with. Not my parents. I did try. And as I knew, it will never work. It sucks. Last night, we went out for dinner at Seven On Seven cafe, Matang Jaya. The place is beautiful. The table that we seated was for 6 people. I did know why that table was chosen. I sat lonely on my spot. Nobody beside me. If my elder sister were there, it will be her. The whole night, I just sat quietly. I have nothing to talk. I know I dont deserved to be in this family. I the only son that did not make my parents any proud. And i know that is a concrete fact. I will never add my father on my facebook. I have a lots of reasons. It will never happened. Facebook, so many times I have deactivated it. The only reason why it still active is my girlfriend. She 'force' me to active it. Hardly for me to say no. I will not argue with Allah decision of letting me see this world. I only never been happy in this family. Atmosphere of stress exists between me and my family. Sometimes, I thought of dying. And I think I'm ready. It just a pressure days in my life. I disappointed them. for sure. I wonder what it will be like if I'm far away from my family. For sure, it will hard for me to call them. What the things that I should talk to them? Things that I do, will never be enough to make them proud. I just a failure product. If I'm at gun point, maybe..I will let the bullet pass through my brain. I envy if my cousins and my girlfriend. Their relationship with their parents seems to be much better. I for surely, does not believe if other people said that "your parent do that, is because they love you". I will never believe in that shit. So far from reality to me. In my family, perfection surely is they key. And I will be struggling for the rest of my life. This is not my death note, but my confession of myself about my so-called family.

p/s: I always wonder what happen if, I enter a tv shows and then they ask my family about me. I somehow doubt that the things said will be true.