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The reason why I start blogging is mainly because I feel that by blogging I will reduce the chances of committing suicide. I need to let it out somehow. And the chances of any of my family member will read about my blog, is at none. That the beauty of my blog. None of my family member will ever find out my blog. Blog to me is like my personal silent therapist. I just need to let it out. Today, on this very evening I once again encounter enormous stress. From my mother. I hate when she do things that I did not like. I argue to her about putting back bed into my room. I'm totally find without the bed. Just the triple layer of mattress for me is fine. But then, she took the action and by force placing the bed back into my room. I did not help my mother at all. frankly, I was piss. The only reason why she placing back the bed is because there is no space in the store and she do not want to put it back into her jahit-room. and my room is the perfect place to place the bed. I hate it. I like things much better when there was only mattress. Plus, this bed is an old bed. Back ahead when we was in teacher quarters. I felt like my life is pointless. I'm 19, and still being control by my mother. my decision will never be accepted. In the past, I did once discover that my second sister was ambitious to leave home. away from home. i found that in her old phone. passed down to me. I found it by accidentally. I did not read it in detail. but enough to know that she was meaning to leave home. I feel like crying blogging about this. I had once hurt my sister. and I not proud of it. from my personal view, my parents treat me differently. It is so stressful being the only son in this family. plus with the broken system of communicating with each other. If I could, I would cut my wrist off. But then, I will not go to heaven or hell. And Allah never forgive me. I realize that fact. I could never told my girlfriend about this matter. Its not that I dont trust her. I just want to her to know that I'm happy and there is nothing to worry about. That is much better for me. Any one in my family will never understand what I felt. Black sheep. that is who I am. in this family. If I could run away from home, I will do it. pointless if I keep staying home. Mom with nagging all the time and dad with communication problem. Maybe someday I will disappear. I hopefully, no one will ever search for me. I already used to be like treated like this. I am failure to this family. Especially when I'm the son of teachers.