CSI: School's elective subject

My holiday, I spend a lot of my time watching tv. Shows that I waited the most is CSI. There are 3 CSI shows. I only watch CSI: Las Vegas and New York. CSI: Miami is crap. rubbish. Horatio role is lame. I think that franchise need to be discontinued. Been watching CSI shows made me realize that the shows is combination of my secondary school's elective subjects. Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Add math? f**k. hahha.

Service Provider

I just remember back when I was in high school I already determined what type of girl I will be with. The obvious type is which service provider that she's using. Service provider (eg: celcom, digi, maxis, AT&T, verizon ) play an important role for me in choosing the girl. she definitely have to use the same service provider as me. In this case, Digi. It is hard is you have different service provider with each other. unless you're born in some rich family which did not occur in my case. I did once found a nice girl but service provider keep us apart. Well, I could switch service provider but then...will it be worth it? what if the relationship is not going far as expected? This is why I always search girls that used the same service provider as me. Its easier. Not to say that I hate the other service provider, I used to digi and it hard to switch. My contact mostly used celcom. come to think of it, 90%. ahahah..only certain people in my life used digi.

Growing up, to think the fact that I choose a girl based on her service provider is silly. hahah. (hate growing up) But, still I used that method. Coz it works. hahah. I dont have to think the complexness of texting or calling each other. I guess being in love early cause me to develop many theory that can and can not be used. hahah

(....)

The reason why I start blogging is mainly because I feel that by blogging I will reduce the chances of committing suicide. I need to let it out somehow. And the chances of any of my family member will read about my blog, is at none. That the beauty of my blog. None of my family member will ever find out my blog. Blog to me is like my personal silent therapist. I just need to let it out. Today, on this very evening I once again encounter enormous stress. From my mother. I hate when she do things that I did not like. I argue to her about putting back bed into my room. I'm totally find without the bed. Just the triple layer of mattress for me is fine. But then, she took the action and by force placing the bed back into my room. I did not help my mother at all. frankly, I was piss. The only reason why she placing back the bed is because there is no space in the store and she do not want to put it back into her jahit-room. and my room is the perfect place to place the bed. I hate it. I like things much better when there was only mattress. Plus, this bed is an old bed. Back ahead when we was in teacher quarters. I felt like my life is pointless. I'm 19, and still being control by my mother. my decision will never be accepted. In the past, I did once discover that my second sister was ambitious to leave home. away from home. i found that in her old phone. passed down to me. I found it by accidentally. I did not read it in detail. but enough to know that she was meaning to leave home. I feel like crying blogging about this. I had once hurt my sister. and I not proud of it. from my personal view, my parents treat me differently. It is so stressful being the only son in this family. plus with the broken system of communicating with each other. If I could, I would cut my wrist off. But then, I will not go to heaven or hell. And Allah never forgive me. I realize that fact. I could never told my girlfriend about this matter. Its not that I dont trust her. I just want to her to know that I'm happy and there is nothing to worry about. That is much better for me. Any one in my family will never understand what I felt. Black sheep. that is who I am. in this family. If I could run away from home, I will do it. pointless if I keep staying home. Mom with nagging all the time and dad with communication problem. Maybe someday I will disappear. I hopefully, no one will ever search for me. I already used to be like treated like this. I am failure to this family. Especially when I'm the son of teachers.

Innovation of Creation

Yesterday, I decided to tidy up my room a bit. I fired up my old desktop pc. It been sitting under my desk for too long. Poor him (or her?). That pc I specifically used for the purpose of long-time downloading. I dont want my laptop to be the victim. Plus, I dont want to make any damage on my beloved laptop. She provide me the exciting and anxiety of playing cool video games.

Apart from that story, I used back my old innovation. Its originally from a chair (school's chair to be exact). I did a little bot modification. Thus, a small desk is born. hhaha.

Playing Guitar On Holiday

Things to do on holiday: play guitar! Currently on holiday, I spent my quality time with my loyal guitar. hahha. Considering now that I have abundant supply of time, I spent my time creating my own song. Channeling the creative source of my brain into a proper way. I wrote a few. But still in the drafting process. Wish there was a singer. It would be easier.I cant sing. I tried. It just not pretty to hear. haha. (being frankly). I fired up my old computer. A desktop pc. (currently blogging with it). It been lonely underneath my desk in my room. The reason why I want it running is because I want another pc to download stuff for me. I forgotten why I shut down this pc. Probably because of the audio problem. It been a troublesome of finding its driver. Lets face it. Its a pc. The hardware is different.

I probably should stop talking abut pc now. This post is about me playing guitar. on holiday. hahha. Actually, the reason I bring up the pc-story is because, in this pc, I found the old song that written by me. myself. I lost my old song since my hard drive (accidentally) formatted. There are four of them. Title with "again", "detik", "malu" and "step back in the line".

The song "again", talk about a guy/girl being left by his/her partner. The song shows how much he/she miss him/her so much and hoping that him/her would come back. I planned this song would be a slow song. With the the of missing somebody. The inspiration came probably when I was in a week whereby my girlfriend have to make a decision for (bla...bla..bla..bla..).

Being doing nothing inspired my mind to sing whatever I like. Thus, "detik" is born. it pretty much a song that mumbling through my mouth. sadly, I have not yet added guitar chord for this song. I think I probably have forgot how the song sound like.

"malu" is actually inspired by my friend. its a song where you like somebody but you afraid to approach him/her. A lot of things played in your mind. you probably thinking that he/she is already been taken. that fear make you afraid to approach him/her which caught your attention.

Do you ever see people in a racing, (ignoring what type of race) is at the point of quiting? I have. in movie. the movie title is, Run fat boy, Run!. I was inspired by the movie. Thats where the song "step back in the line" came from. This song is truly dedicated to people that is about to lose hope, but the fight is not over. Finish line is just up ahead.

I realized something. When I played guitar. I sweat. So far as I concern, I'm burning calories. yeah.

Milo shake & Fried Rice added with Cheesy Omelette

These few days, I been bored with food that I'm eating. Not that I'm not great full, but honestly it is not cool to eat the same thing all along. Its time to add a little bit of imagination.

Above you can see my delight Milo shake. Its not ordinary. There will be taste of chocolate ice cream and a taste of a little bit of milk. It is mesmerizing!

I improve my cooking. Presenting, Cheesy Omelette with fried rice,

This shoot is not the best. Clearly, the lighting sucks. But, pay attention to the omellette. Filled with melted cheese taste. I indeed love cooking this Cheesy omelette. Its so tasty. It is so much better than making an omelette an sprinkle it with cheese.

The fried rice, is not something new to me. Its what i used to cook. Cabbage, carrot is for surely in there. And the most importantly, there is powder of Chinese's fried rice. haha..

(......)

People will never can understand me. Close will be my girlfriend, but not completely. My personal side will be easy to understand. But, whenever asking my family side. Things will be different. I always lie whenever people asked about my family (especially about my parent). The lie I'm talking about is the lie that mostly about my relationship with them. In this family, I will always feel like I'm not belong with them. Its like I an adopted son, but the catch is, I'm not. Not even once I felt that I'm lucky to be apart of this family. Somehow, I always have communication problem with my parents. Their styles of communicating with me never seems to be suit with me. My mother for example, never ask me in a good way for a favor. Some sort of high pitch voice always seems to be in the content. I hate when that happened. I will always remains wondering why me and my father never seems to get along. I remember back in high school, my teacher asked me to hug my father when I received the award form him. But, I never did it. As I grow up, I felt that family have nothing special meaning to me. If ask about family, I only be thinking about my sisters. They are the people that I please to talk with. Not my parents. I did try. And as I knew, it will never work. It sucks. Last night, we went out for dinner at Seven On Seven cafe, Matang Jaya. The place is beautiful. The table that we seated was for 6 people. I did know why that table was chosen. I sat lonely on my spot. Nobody beside me. If my elder sister were there, it will be her. The whole night, I just sat quietly. I have nothing to talk. I know I dont deserved to be in this family. I the only son that did not make my parents any proud. And i know that is a concrete fact. I will never add my father on my facebook. I have a lots of reasons. It will never happened. Facebook, so many times I have deactivated it. The only reason why it still active is my girlfriend. She 'force' me to active it. Hardly for me to say no. I will not argue with Allah decision of letting me see this world. I only never been happy in this family. Atmosphere of stress exists between me and my family. Sometimes, I thought of dying. And I think I'm ready. It just a pressure days in my life. I disappointed them. for sure. I wonder what it will be like if I'm far away from my family. For sure, it will hard for me to call them. What the things that I should talk to them? Things that I do, will never be enough to make them proud. I just a failure product. If I'm at gun point, maybe..I will let the bullet pass through my brain. I envy if my cousins and my girlfriend. Their relationship with their parents seems to be much better. I for surely, does not believe if other people said that "your parent do that, is because they love you". I will never believe in that shit. So far from reality to me. In my family, perfection surely is they key. And I will be struggling for the rest of my life. This is not my death note, but my confession of myself about my so-called family.

p/s: I always wonder what happen if, I enter a tv shows and then they ask my family about me. I somehow doubt that the things said will be true.